Monday, September 17, 2007

Night Time dullness


I stay up late all the time yet never seem to find time to do the homework I told myself to do during the day. I push my homework off until the last minute and kick myself that if I only did it early I may have learned something from it. I guess putting things off is how I like to live my life.
I find it frustrating at how completely difficult it is to stop something you know is stupid to do since it will just cause you grief in the long run.
I also think maybe going to college is a waste of my abilities. I am always bored in my classes, either because they seem to be running at such a slow speed, or because the topics discussed make me tune out and lose focus. I don't wish for a class that is hard or has a gigantic amount of work. What I wish for is a class which interests me so much that nothing in the world stops me from reading, writing, and understanding my way to actually wanting to learn something new.
I use to go to the library when I was in junior/ community college and check out books for no more reason than curiosity of a subject or question I had on the days I would go. I stopped going to the library and doing this when i started my four year college. I can't say why i stopped wanting to explore new things, but it feels the drive to learn new things has been worked out of me. Yeah, I know what I just claimed is a large excuse, but i need something to hold on to, even if it is just a lame excuse. College has become a doldrums of papers, lectures, emotionless teachers, and dusty books, which hold little interest for me. I hope on day i will see my experience as rewarding and not a waste of time and money.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I am having a hard time understanding why as people we have a hard time expressing how we feel, think, and act to others. Many times through out my fairly short life I have wondered what it would be like to know the people around me better. I remind myself of the people who pass me by in the market or at the movies, when I'm driving or just walking on the beach. That the people around me have lives all of which are completely separate from my understanding and knowledge. Yes, I see them on the beach, but do they really have lives if I don't know of them.
I have been thinking maybe people not connected to me through shared experiences and communications actually do not have lives unless they some how come into contact with mine. It is not to say they do not live their lives with out my knowledge, because of course they do, but the point I'm trying to grapple with is, do their lives exist for me, if I'm not apart of them.
I don't doubt their is no answer for my questions, yet I still wonder, which is better than not thinking at all, I guess.